You Scream, I Scream...

Well, I officially hate ice cream.

Lately it's become one of my biggest weaknesses when it comes to binge eating. The days that happen to be my worst always involve some form of that frozen delicacy, like today. 

I was doing so well until I got the munchies around 4:00pm, I had a few pretzels and some cheese to try to satisfy myself until dinner, but everything just spiraled out of control from there. I left the room to preoccupy my thoughts with other things, but I felt extremely guilty for allowing myself to have a mini-binge right after I had just eaten and right before I was supposed to eat again. I figured since I slept in and didn't have breakfast, everything would even out and I would scrape by for the day. Around 8:00pm (an hour after dinner), I was in the middle of trying to make a decision about whether or not I should go to a "camp-out" at someone's house (this wasn't just anyone, it was my recently ex-best yes it was more than a little stressful). I went through some graham crackers, a handful of chocolate chips, cereal, a brownie, Girl Scout cookies, grapes and eventually found myself standing in front of the devil's lair itself, the freezer.

I had brought a spoon out with me so I would only "have a taste" of whatever was out there. (...Like that happened)

*Just a side note: For some reason I tend to eat out of a container of ice cream with a small spoon acting as if I would have less than the actual serving size, but in reality I always eat way more than I would have if I had actually measured it out in the first place. It's almost like a warped justification I tell myself. Once, at the very beginning of this disorder, I ate half a container of pineapple sherbet in one sitting...that was probably one of my worst food moments of my life.

August 2011. at the Dole Plantation on Oahu with the Fam.
Where I discovered Dole Whip for the first time, which is practically
Heaven in frozen form.
It's also the reason why my family bought that notorious 
pineapple sherbet I binged on a half-year later.

I originally had a few bites of ice cream and then walked away not quite satisfied. A few minutes later I found myself back in the same situation, but this time I found myself testing out our other carton of ice cream. I eventually brought it to the kitchen counter and started to snarf it down as fast as I could. I tried it with malted milk and chocolate milk powder too...just because I felt like it or more so, because I compiled to do so. stated:

"Binge-eating disorder is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret.
When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating."

I can't explain why I tend to binge in secret (or why I have an infatuation with frozen desserts). I guess it's out of shame and fear of being caught. I remember while I was bingeing today, I was terrified that my Mom would walk in on me at any moment. I knew she would be upset with me. I guess that's why I ate the ice cream so fast, it was almost like an adrenaline rush, a game of cat and mouse. I've gotten a little better with resisting my impulses, but I am a food addict. It is my drug and I can't ever get away from it. Because of my bingeing, I can't tell when I'm hungry anymore (however, most of the time I do hear a very quiet, very desperate, Jiminy Cricket in the back of mind urging me to stop, but the poor guy has been so neglected, he's slowly starting to give up on me). Because of my constant urges to eat, my hunger hormones are completely out of whack, only complicating my cravings even more. I'm never sure if I need something or if I want it. I can't decide if  my blood sugar is low or if I'm somehow subconsciously tricking my body into starvation mode. It can get so frustrating sometimes. 

On a lighter note, I did notice that I happened to binge on the day that I didn't post the night before. I'm going to put myself through a little "experiment" and see if writing out my thoughts can really prevent my bingeing. I guess time can only tell, I just hope I can be patient enough to see the results.

I'm going to be staying away from the ice cream from now on too.

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