Loss

A couple months ago I went to go see my endocrinologist and found out that I've lost a significant amount of weight in the five months prior to my visit. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem for me or even something that I would have wanted to know, but it became a problem when she told me the exact amount that I weigh. My old endocrinologist knew not to talk numbers with me because I first met her during my disorder and right after Dr. Spigarelli told me that I wasn't allowed to weigh myself. However, my new doctor wasn't aware of this. Needless to say, I was elated to hear about my new weight, but that elation has quickly started to morph into an obsession.

I'm not upset that she told me (I mean, It's not like I can or should go through life averting my eyes when I'm weighed on a scale or expecting doctors to hide that information from me every time I go to a hospital) but I am upset by my own reaction to her telling me this.

When I was at my heaviest, I used to always tell myself that if I could just get to the weight that I'm at now, I would be happy. I thought that by reaching this weight, I would finally be able to be satisfied with my body and all of my body image issues would magically go away.

However, I'm starting to realize that this isn't necessarily true.

For as proud as I was of losing the weight that I once had, I'm now terrified of gaining weight back. I criticize my appearance and compare myself to others more so than I have in a long time, my expectations of myself are slowly starting to become more and more unrealistic, and worst of all, I've even started to monitor what I eat and let calorie counting slip back into my thoughts.

Although I'm aware of what's going on within myself, I've been way more passive about addressing these issues within myself than I should be. So, I've decided it's time to have an introspective heart-to-heart with myself to try to nip these disorder behaviors before they become active participants in my life again.

Ready? Let's do this:

• Alyson, what is there to be afraid of? Going back to the previous weight that you were when you lost weight the first time after recovery? You liked yourself and your body then just as much as you do now. Weight doesn't determine worth or beauty, remember? I thought we've moved on past this.
• These thoughts that you're having go against everything that you've stood for and all the lessons you've learned during the three years you spent recovering. You're becoming a hypocrite.
• If you keep this up, you could easily fall back into your disorders or allow yourself to relearn an unhealthy relationship with food. Food isn't the enemy and your body isn't a construction zone.
• Good gravy, girlfriend. Your brain was made for bigger and better things than preoccupying itself with calories and constantly critiquing your physical appearance.
• Being skinny isn't an accomplishment and wearing a smaller clothing size isn't something to be proud of.  
• You are more than your body and you are good enough. 
• Also, at any weight or state, your body is nothing to be ashamed of.
• Don't be too hard on yourself for slipping up, recovery is a life-long effort. 
• Body image isn't reliant how you look or what you weigh, body image is reliant on how you feel about yourself.
• Losing weight doesn't guarantee happiness--you know this firsthand. Last time you obsessed over losing weight, you were constantly miserable, hungry, and depressed. 

With that taken care of, I want to note that as I started to recover, I slowly realized that happiness came from things other than my weight or what I ate. Additionally, the motivation behind my recovery changed from wanting to lose weight to wanting to be recovered and healthy. Instead of trying to change my appearance, I decided to change how I saw myself and coincidentally, I also became happy with myself as well.

Lately though, I've seemed to forget all of this.

So here's a reminder to myself that:

• I'm still proud of who I've become. 
• I still love my stretch marks because they remind me of where I've been.
• I'm still proud of how strong my body is and all that it can do at any weight. 
• I still believe that size is just a descriptor, not a determinate of worth. 
• I still think that I am beautiful no matter how I look or how the world says I should be. 
• I still know that I am not my disorders. 
• I still love myself because I am worth loving. 

I don't think it's a bad thing to lose weight or to be happy that you lost weight, but from my own personal experience over these last few months, I've come to realize that there's a fine line between being happy for yourself and obsessing over maintaining your happiness due to conditions you've applied to it.

Yes, I'm happy that I lost weight.
But I won't let my weight determine my happiness.

So, if I gain the weight back, who cares?
If I eat more than the recommended amount of calories for a meal, what's the big deal?

I deserve to be happy and proud of myself regardless of the number on a scale, the size of a dress,
the food I've eaten or the reflection in the mirror.

I am more than my body and I am more than my weight.

I am Alyson.
And I will be happy with myself.

Photo Cred: My Super Talented Boyfriend, Justin

Ask Aly: Questions

I recently received this email and I thought it would be worth sharing with all of you. I want to clarify that this blog is not intended as a handbook for recovery, but rather a source for hope and insight into the world of eating disorders and body dysmorphia since everyone's experiences with both are different. If you ever have a question about a specific topic or resource I have included in a past post that you may have missed, feel free to click on the label section of the sidebar to find what your're looking for, check out the "Helpful Websites" section of the navigation menu, or submit an "Ask Aly". Although I may not have all of the answers or word things exactly as you need them to be said, I'm here to help!

I have struggled with EDs for almost my whole life. As a college student, I have emerged myself in  health studies, which have helped me cope with my eating issues, because I've been studying how to promote health in others.
I love reading your blog, and often find myself relating to the things you say. But as of late, I have had an issue with some of the things that you preach. You reach many young women, especially your peers, and I feel like you should be hyper aware of the messages you send to others.
You send the message that recovery is possible, and mention health pretty frequently. I wish you would promote the idea of reaching out for help from more than just those around you. I don't know if you ever got any professional help for the problems you have faced, but as with any mental disorder, professional help should be a line of defense. Many people are afraid to get help because of fear of being "caught" or the stigma related to mental health issues. I honestly wish you more explicitly would offer some type of professional resources for recovery, rather than just suggesting leaning on family and friends for support.
Additionally, I feel like you don't promote health quite accurately. You mention that now you are helathier, even if that means being heaier, however you don't really explain how you are healthier. I know it may seem like common sense to you or I, (both college educated and have struggled with these things) but some people have never faced these issues and don't really understand what is healthy and what is not. SO overall, I'd like to say that I enjoy your blog, but wish you'd promote health in a more professional light with more emphasis on how to get help and what being healthy really means.
I know you personally and understand how you get when you're criticized, and don't want you to take this as a personal attack, rather I'd like this to be seen as some support from a fellow soldier in this fight looking for ways to help you coach others.
xoxo best wishes

Hi there,

In past posts I have mentioned that I did go to a professional and I list his information on one of my blog pages. I don't know how long you have been reading my blog, but from the beginning, I have emphasized how seeing health professionals is a crucial aspect of recovery. I mentor girls on campus for their EDs and tell them the same thing. A good doctor will always be better than a good friend who is trying to help you. I am hyper aware that what I say influences the young women around me--which is why I say what I say. I try to focus on the causations for eating disorders like bad body image and low self-esteem--since those need to be cured first before one can successfully overcome an eating disorder. I suffered from depression and was suicidal during my eating disorders; I understand that eating disorders are a mental disorder. As to what I have said about reaching out to others, that was in response to a specific question that I was written about that. However, reaching out to others is another crucial step towards recovery. As to my health, I have been diagnosed as completely recovered from my disorder and I no longer hate my body--I have a healthy mentality towards myself; which I have also explained before. Thank you for your message, I'll make sure to reiterate these points in future posts.

Also, I know that offense wasn't your intention when writing this, but I question the extent to which you know me and what I have written on my blog based on what you have written to me.

You probably won't get this response because you used what looks like a fake email in order to maintain anonymity, but I hope that you're able to recover and find the help that you need. It's a hard journey, but it can be done.

*To submit a question, you can either use the submission app on the sidebar of the blog or email me at: tomyfullestblog@gmail.com*

Ask Aly: Bulimia Help

Hey Aly! I have a question for you, and it's a little personal but I'm not really sure where else to get good information. Recently, someone really close to me confided in me that they have been diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. I want to do my best to help them through their pains and help them stay on the road to recovery, but I'm not sure how to be a support without seeming pushy for their recovery. What do you think would be helpful/constructive behavior?

Hi! Thanks for getting in contact with me, I'm always happy to be a resource to help other people who are going through similar things that I experienced. This is a little bit of a tricky question because everyone experiences their eating disorders differently. When my family first started to notice that I had an eating disorder, they tended to pester me or guilt me out of my behaviors...which only made things worse. They were acting out of love, but I constantly felt like I was being attacked or treated like an infant. I think the best thing that you can do right now is to support this person in whatever way you can--whether it's being a listening ear/ letting them vent to you, offering sympathy and understanding when needed; or just asking them how they're doing that day or at a specific moment. I found that when I had someone that I felt like I could report to, I did better and stayed on track. Don't criticize their eating habits (especially in front of other people) and don't assume that every time they're going to the bathroom is to purge. Be patient and give them space, but don't allow them to be or feel isolated. There's a difference between pestering and letting them know that you're thinking of them and noticing their struggle. Engage in conversation in, during, and after meals. Try to be around this person during meal and snack times as a support system. Try to use body positive phrases and don't criticize your weight or eating habits around them. If you want, you can send this person my way and let them know that I can be a resource for her personally too; It's one thing to have someone sympathize with you and another thing to have someone empathize with you. I know that I personally started to do better when I found other people who had gone through what I was experiencing; I felt validated and hopeful. Although empathy is definitely important, sympathy is equally so. I remember wishing that I had friends who would have taken the time to notice and acknowledge what I was going though. I think knowing that someone is actively caring and worrying about you is incredibly enabling and healing too. As far as medial help goes, if they don't have an eating disorder doctor already, they could start seeing Dr. Michael Spigarelli in Salt Lake City for help; he saved my life and is an eating disorder specialist. Therapists and eating disorder groups can also help too (I'm actually a mentor for a group at my university right now). I hope this wasn't information overload, but let me know if there's anything else I can do, I'm here to help! Thanks again for messaging me, I hope that all goes well for your friend!

*To submit a question, you can either use the submission app on the sidebar of the blog or email me at: tomyfullestblog@gmail.com*