Tahlequah

Some days

I feel like

That mama 

Orca 

Whose baby

Died.

For 17 days

She carried its

Lifeless 

Body on her 

Snout. 

Scientists

Called it a

“Tour of

Grief.”

A mother

Struggling to

Let

Go. 

Beautiful

Little one,

You

Are the most 

Beautiful thing

I have ever 

Seen.

I guess

That must mean

 I’m

Beautiful

Too. 

Mothers and Daughters

Just as I 

existed 

In my mother’s,

Grandmother’s,

And great-grandmother’s 

Wombs,

You have been

With me,

And I

With you,

Since before

Either of us

Were 

Born.

Not only have we

Always 

Been

together,

But now,

In carrying

You,

I carry my 

Grandchildren

And great-grandchildren 

Too. 

Zoey

You move

In my belly

With 

Energy

And 

Strength.

(More than 

Your brothers

Ever

Did.)

You ease my

Worries with 

Your constant

Motion,

And,

There has never been

A doubt 

That you are

There. 

I constantly 

feel you

Kick, 

Twist,

Punch,

Snuggle,

And stretch

Just beneath

my

Skin.

Your restless spirit,

Your active mind,

You seem to be

Life

Itself.

Ever moving

Ever growing

Ever changing. 

My

Zoey.

Gender Reveal

When I saw 

the test

Results,

Before I

Laughed,

Cried,

Or 

Threw my

Phone,

There was 

A quiet,

Split-second

Moment

Where my

Heart 

Whispered:

“Finally,

You’re here.

My precious

Little 

Girl.” 

Baby Sister

Little one,

Do you 

Know 

How much

Joy

You’ve already

Brought

Into

Our 

Home?

My Babies

Owen was my

First baby,

My angel

Boy 

Gone too

Soon.

Luke was my 

Rainbow baby,

The color

And hope 

After 

the storm.

Zoey,

You are my

Golden baby,

The treasure

At the end

Of the 

Rainbow

Proof that 

Our good

Luck

Hasn’t run

Out. 

Three

When I tell people

I’m pregnant again,

But this time,

With a baby girl,

Most say,

“That’s perfect! Now you have 

One of each!”

That isn’t the truth

Though. 

Owen

Plus

Luke

Plus 

Baby girl 

Equals

Three. 

 

Fawn

I saw a 
dead
baby deer 
on the road
today. 

And 
with tears in my eyes,
wondered,

if his mama
missed him
like I miss

you. 

Names

Ever since

I found

out 

I was

pregnant 

again,

I've been

trying to find

the perfect 

name 

that represents

all

that you

are.

You are

hope, 

gratitude, 

and

answered

prayers. 

You are

comfort, 

love, 

and 

everything

good. 

You are

a miracle, 

a godsend,

a blessing. 

 

Our lives were

so dark

until you 

came along, 

but

you 

are

a bringer of 

light.

Luke.

Lunch

There are times

where I don't 

want 

to talk about

my dead 

baby. 

Like in the faculty room

at lunch. 

You

continue 

to push

and 

ask

personal

questions, 

as I quietly

look 

down

at my 

food. 

I tell myself

you're probably 

trying to be

thoughtful

and

helpful, 

but

I don't 

understand

how you can't

see

that me

repeating the same response

three

times, 

is me, 

begging

for this conversation 

to 

end. 

Blanket

 I finally

made a

blanket for you, 

just like 

I made one 

for Owen. 

It was

one of the hardest

things 

I've had

to

do. 

I had been putting

it off

for months

because

 

I didn't 

want another 

useless

baby

blanket

and 

another

dead

baby. 

Strange

It's strange

to 

think 

that 

you'll be

my first

living

child, 

but not 

my 

first

child. 

Unlucky

I'm not

very 

lucky. 

My first baby died

because of a 

genetic 

condition,

and instead 

of 

the peaceful, 

normal

second pregnancy

I thought

I deserved,

I'm on 

bed-rest. 

Worrying

and 

trying

to keep

both

of us

alive. 

Same

You can be 

such a 

stinker, 

during mommy's

ultrasounds.

The nurses try to

catch you, 

but you always 

manage to

swim

away. 

It reminds me of 

your big brother, 

Owen. 

He liked to play

tag

the very

same

way. 

Two

 At my ultrasound 

appointments, 

nurses often ask

"Is this your

first?"

And I always say, 

"No,

I have 

two."

Second

I knew

I was 

pregnant

with my 

second 

child, 

before

I saw 

the test. 

My baby's 

big brother

hugged me

and let me know

I could

finally 

rest. 

He told me

he had 

sent 

his younger

brother

and everything

would be

okay. 

And that he would

comfort me

and protect

him 

every

step 

of the 

way. 

Arms and Legs

Who 

would have

thought, 

that I would 

sob

with

joy

when I 

saw the length

of the bones

in your

arms 

and 

legs? 

Half

Sometimes I feel

like 

half

of a

mother. 

I had half 

a pregnancy

with 

Owen, 

Then, I was given the 

harder half

of motherhood, 

and now I 

feel 

half the

 joy

during my

second pregnancy. 

But ironically, 

the fear

has 

doubled. 

Hug

I was playing

in your

nursery

with our 

new

puppy

When suddenly

I felt

invisible arms

around me. 

My eyes filled 

with tears,

my heart

wanted 

to 

burst, 

And, 

in that quiet

moment, 

I knew

it was

you. 

Miscellaneous Poems

Did I 

lose you

because

I wanted

you 

too 

much?

----

It's gotten harder

to tell

if I really am starting

to feel

happy again

or 

if 

I'm just 

numb. 

----

Sometimes

I wonder if 

strangers can 

see

the silent 

scream 

behind

my 

eyes. 

----

There is nothing

as horrible

as the screams

and 

sobs

of a mother

whose

baby

died. 

Pieces

I know

I lost

a piece

of

me

when I 

lost

you. 

But I'm still

trying to 

figure out 

which 

piece of me

that 

was. 

Screensaver

I changed my phone

screensaver

for the first time

in a

year.

It used to be your 

ultrasound

photo. 

Sometimes, 

I feel guilty

when I notice

it's 

gone. 

Helper Dogs

The other

day, 

my class read

a story 

about

seeing eye 

dogs. 

A student 

raised their hand

and asked,

"Would Owen

have needed

one of 

those?"

Motherhood

It's strange that

my first experience with

motherhood

was helping a life transition

away 

from this earth

rather than

bringing a life

into

it. 

Puppy

My therapist

recommended

getting a

puppy

to help

give my life

a new sense

of purpose 

and

to help me

not feel

alone. 

As I've been looking

at dogs, 

I can't help, 

but feel

guilty. 

Why that is

I don't 

quite

know. 

Atonement

I read a

post

by another 

mother

who terminated

her 

pregnancy

just like 

I had

 to 

terminate

mine.

She said that

she chose

to take on

her baby's 

pain

and

suffering

for the rest

of her 

life, 

by

ending

his

pain

and

suffering

before 

it 

began.

That's why

I made my 

decision

too, 

because

isn't that

what 

motherhood

is 

all

about?

Title

There are names

for

widowers, 

widows, 

and, 

orphans, 

but what

do you call

a 

mother

who lost

her 

only 

child? 

Time

It's been

7 months, 

2 bottles of prenatal vitamins, 

5 negative pregnancy tests, 

and

countless tears, 

since

we lost

you. 

Ironic

I find it 

ironic

that I spend

six hours 

a day, 

five days

a week, 

mothering the children

of strangers,

But I never 

got 

to mother

my own.