Puppy

My therapist

recommended

getting a

puppy

to help

give my life

a new sense

of purpose 

and

to help me

not feel

alone. 

As I've been looking

at dogs, 

I can't help, 

but feel

guilty. 

Why that is

I don't 

quite

know. 

Atonement

I read a

post

by another 

mother

who terminated

her 

pregnancy

just like 

I had

 to 

terminate

mine.

She said that

she chose

to take on

her baby's 

pain

and

suffering

for the rest

of her 

life, 

by

ending

his

pain

and

suffering

before 

it 

began.

That's why

I made my 

decision

too, 

because

isn't that

what 

motherhood

is 

all

about?

Title

There are names

for

widowers, 

widows, 

and, 

orphans, 

but what

do you call

a 

mother

who lost

her 

only 

child? 

Time

It's been

7 months, 

2 bottles of prenatal vitamins, 

5 negative pregnancy tests, 

and

countless tears, 

since

we lost

you. 

Ironic

I find it 

ironic

that I spend

six hours 

a day, 

five days

a week, 

mothering the children

of strangers,

But I never 

got 

to mother

my own. 

Conversations

I heard you

were 

pregnant! 

How is your 

baby? 

Oh,

my baby

died.

Certainty

I don't know 

much, 

but 

I do 

know

my decision

to terminate

was made

with

tears, 

prayer, 

and most of all, 

love.