It's been a while since my last post. Life has gotten a little hectic lately with my college classes picking up and finishing, job changes, and an internship starting soon.

I wanted to write a quick post about where I'm at right now--just for my own personal sanity. Over the past year, I've gained some weight due to being stuck sitting down for most of the day in classes, at work, or doing homework late into the night. I've also adopted some unhealthy eating habits (like stress snacking) at the same time. Gaining weight isn't a bad thing (like I've said on here probably a million times), but for some reason, I haven't been taking it very well lately. I feel like it's partly because I had been gradually losing and then maintaining my weight for a prolonged period, which was something I hadn't been able to do since my eating disorders started in high school. I guess I just got used to it and the body that came from it.

Also, I think we can all agree that it's much easier to love yourself when you look the way you want to and when you don't have to toss out old clothes because they don't fit anymore. It isn't impossible, but it is harder.

I'll be honest, some of my eating disorder thoughts have come back. I've been thinking about restricting food and dieting. I've been comparing myself to those around me, feeling more insecure, and I've been more hesitant to have pictures or videos of me posted to social media. (My husband actually just posted a video of me trying to move a bookcase we bought for our apartment and I had a really hard time watching it. We also have a family wedding this summer and I'm not sure I'm ready to handle all the pictures that are going to be taken.) I know that I'm beautiful, but geez, what a good reminder that eating disorders never totally go away.

Anyways, I don't have much else to say for now, but I think I needed this. I also wanted to be open with anyone who reads my blog and maybe assumes that I have it all figured out--because I don't. Even though I'm technically "recovered," I'm not perfect and I still have insecurities and hard days. That doesn't mean I stop trying or give up though.

That really is the trick with eating disorders and body dysmorphia, you have to be willing to be honest with yourself and challenge those nasty thoughts the second they enter your head. Otherwise, they'll stay there and fester.

Maybe I'll pick up writing again so I can keep myself in line and hold myself accountable. Shorter posts like this are definitely doable, but we'll see.

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Some of the most recent photos that have been taken of me.

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Even with posting these, I went through and found the ones that I thought I looked "the best" in. 

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Like this one that covers up most of my face.