Tips

I recently had a friend reach out to me and ask me what I've done to learn to love my body and heal from the negative feelings that I used to have about myself (and sometimes still do). After talking to her, I thought it would be a good idea to share what I shared with her here on the blog in the hope that it could help anyone else out there who might also be struggling with the same issues. Although I still have bad days where it seems impossible to love myself, these practices have helped me get to where I am today and have also helped me recover from a lot of my disordered thoughts too. 

Consistently and constantly challenge any negative thoughts that you may have about yourself.

One way that I've been able to do this is by immediately countering any negative thoughts that I have about myself with positive thoughts in their place—even if I don’t believe what I’m telling myself in that moment. I’ve noticed that the more often I've treated and spoken to myself kindly (even if it feels feigned and unnatural during hard moments), the more second-nature that kindness becomes. There have even been times where I've had to sit myself in front of a mirror and tell myself, “I am beautiful” over and over again just so I could see myself saying it and have the message sink in. Growing up, my mom always told me that if you, “Do the action, the feeling will follow”, and I think that’s definitely true in this case. The more I have sincerely told myself that I am beautiful as I am, the more I believe it. Practice makes perfect!

When you have a negative thought about yourself, picture yourself saying that same comment to someone you love, like a friend, a sibling, a parent, or a spouse.

The idea behind this is that if you wouldn’t say it to someone you care about, you should never say it to yourself. I think sometimes it’s easy to forget that the person we should care about and love the most is ourselves. Always be your own best friend. 

I'm so sad that summer is almost over! Luckily, Justin and I have
gotten to go on a couple of adventures though :)

Give yourself pep-talks and reality checks whenever you think negatively about your appearance.

Make sure that you don’t hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. Flaws are normal and natural—they’re human! What isn’t normal and natural though, are the perfect images of people that we see on social media accounts, on fashion blogs, on magazine covers, and on the red carpet. Everyone has fat, everyone has wrinkles, and everyone has imperfections. Don't forget that imperfections and beauty are not mutually exclusive. You are not less of a person or of less worth because you aren’t a certain size, weight, race, height, or any other superficial measure of your appearance. You are yourself, you are enough, and regardless of how you look, you are beautiful. 

Focus on all that your body is and can do, not what it is not and cannot.

Whenever I feel like my body is inadequate, I try focus on all the positive things that my body is and can do. It is strong, it is healthy, it is special, it is mine. Yes, my thighs are big, but they are strong. Yes, my skin has a few zits, but I love the dimples around my lips when I smile. Yes, I have a round tummy, but it’s cute and keeps me warm. If there are certain areas of your body that you dislike, find things that you do like and appreciate about them and repeat those things to yourself whenever you need a self-esteem pick-me-up. You could even make those statements in to a daily mantra that you tell yourself too! Be proud of your body and give yourself compliments wherever and whenever you can--especially to the areas of your body that you struggle the most with. They need love too! 

Avoid making comparisons to those around you.

Tell yourself: "My body is my body and I cannot expect myself to look like someone else. I may look different than those around me, but that does not mean that I am ugly or less beautiful. Someone else’s beauty does not detract from my own." Beauty is more than just your appearance, it is who you are as person, how you treat those around you, your uniqueness, and the impact that you leave on the world. Existing as a woman is not a competition, but when we treat life as such, no one wins. When you spend time developing a love and appreciation for yourself, you begin to develop a relationship with your body that is priceless and impossible to achieve otherwise.

Go outside of your comfort zone. 

If you don't like the way you look in a swimsuit, go swimming. If you hate the way that you look in pictures, put yourself in as many pictures as possible AND let yourself be tagged in them on social media (which is sometimes even harder than having a picture taken of yourself in the first place). If you don't feel comfortable without makeup on, go a couple of days without it. Pushing the boundaries of your self-esteem can help you become more comfortable with and accepting of yourself. I think sometimes we project how we feel about ourselves onto others and assume that they judge our appearances more than they actually do. Most of the time, we're our own worst judges and are more critical of ourselves than anyone around us ever will be. When we let our hate, our fears, and our insecurities related to our bodies rule our actions, we miss out on life and unintentionally persuade ourselves that our lives are not worth living (or enjoying) if we aren't perfect. Ultimately, we tend to base our self-esteem on superficial factors and situations, rather than on an unconditional love of ourselves.

Surround yourself with body-positive people. 

One of the best ways you can do this is to follow body-positive accounts on social media and actively look for the stories and experiences of other individuals who are fighting (or have fought) to love themselves. Create a support group for yourself and make sure that you choose to be around those who build you up, rather than those who tear you down or belittle you (that also includes following Instagram accounts that make you feel bad about yourself too). I would even say that you could extend that same rule to yourself too. Make sure to be patient and kind to yourself so that you don't undermine your hard work! Also make sure to ignore the haters and listen to those who truly love you and accept you without strings or expectations attached. You are deserving of love at any weight and in any condition. Don't settle for those who treat you any less than you deserve! Lean on those who are further along than you are and believe that one day you can get to where they are. And, if you aren't in a place where you can believe in yourself, lean on my belief in you.

Learning to love myself has been one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done, but it has definitely been worth it. (And, it does get easier the longer you keep at it) 😊 

You can do it! 

Acne

Throughout high school, I was pretty lucky when it came to acne. This was probably due to the fact that when I was anorexic, I only ate "clean" or "safe" foods that were low in carbs, calories, and fats--if I ate anything (Disclaimer: I do not recommend this and no one should use eating like this an excuse for clear skin. It is disordered eating.). The same was true during my binge eating disorder, but rather than my skin remaining clear as a result of what I was (and was not) eating,  I'm pretty sure the only reason why my skin remained clear was because my body knew that having bad acne would have broken my already fragile self-esteem into oblivion. It would have given me one more reason to hate my body and to hate myself. It might have even pushed me to suicide.

As shallow as it sounds, having clear skin helped me feel a little bit better about myself--even on my worst days.

Fast-forward to about a year ago. I was dating Justin and things were going great. Well, mostly great except for one thing. I had started to get acne for the first time in my life. I was embarrassed that what most people had experienced in their teens was happening to me as an adult. I became even more self-conscious than I normally was and my perceptions of myself were largely determined by how many zits I had on my face that day. I was worried that Justin would think less of me or think I was less attractive because of it. I ended up buying as many over-the-counter cleansers, oil-removers, and acne medications as I could find; I even resorted to scouring the internet for hours and buying products from Korea and Japan in the hopes that they would make me somewhat attractive again. I eventually went to see a dermatologist, but getting rid of my acne wasn't easy. The topical medication was expensive and the oral medication made me throw up. But I was willing to do anything to make it go away. I eventually was tired of feeling sick from the medication and I stopped taking it. My skin did pretty well for a while, but things picked back up again around Christmas of that year. It was bad. It wasn't that I had a zit here and there on my face, but my entire forehead was covered in large, cystic pimples. To make things worse, I tired to pick at the zits, which made some scab over and made others become inflamed. I was so embarrassed that I wore a bandanna headband everyday for two weeks so no one could see just how 'ugly' I had become. I was insecure around Justin and whenever he told me I was beautiful, I thought he was saying it out of pity. I mean, he saw what I saw in the mirror and so did everyone else around me--I thought they thought of me like I thought of me. That they thought I was ugly and disgusting. There were even nights where I would quietly cry myself to sleep out of frustration and self-loathing or instances where I would avoid experiences altogether out of shame.

When it was at its worst this past December
(the lighting in the picture doesn't really show
how intense it was)

The bandana headband
(Also, don't mind Jesus in the background haha)

In a lot of ways, I guess I relived the same emotions I experienced during my disorders.

Luckily, Justin caught on to what was happening pretty fast (one of the best things about being married is that you never have to go through things alone). Noticing that I was depressed and struggling, he looked at me one night and said, "Alyson, acne and beauty aren't mutually exclusive". And he was right.

I still struggle with feeling my best when I have zits or scabs from zits on my face, but I'm starting to realize that my beauty--and more importantly, who I am, is not negatively influenced by some red dots on my face. I am more than a few imperfections in my complexion.

Acne and beauty are not mutually exclusive.
Neither are acne and self-worth;
Acne and self-esteem;
Acne and love;
Acne and good experiences;
Or acne and anything positive in life.

For a while I gave myself a hard time for feeling insecure about my appearance because I thought that since I had overcome my disorders I was better than this and that I had control over most of my insecurities. That I had already overcome my body image issues and that I shouldn't still be struggling. However, I'm starting to realize that body-dysmorphia, low self-esteem, and body image issues tend to manifest themselves in more than one way and in more than one area of our lives. How we feel about ourselves is a complex, multi-faceted experience. While we may overcome one facet that we struggle with (like being okay with stretch marks or wearing a swimsuit in public), we may also still struggle with another area of our appearance (like having acne in my case). Learning to love yourself isn't easy,  however, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't be proud of progress we have made in the past or be intimidated by how large of a challenge learning to like ourselves may seem. The best thing we can do is take things one day or one facet at a time and be kind to ourselves.

Another thing that I've realized as I've gone through this experience is that while it's pretty easy to love yourself, it can be ridiculously hard to like yourself. For example, I love who I am, but I don't necessarily like my appearance when I have acne strewn across my face. Why is it that when we see someone else with an 'flaw' that we have (like acne in my case), we are less harsh toward them than we are towards ourselves? When someone else has a zit on their face I don't instanteously like them any less or think any less of them. Sometimes, I don't even notice if there are any zits on their face in the first place. However, when it is on my own face, I tend to use it as an excuse to bully myself for something that is out of my control and I project how I feel about myself onto others.

For a while, I thought that in order to be beautiful, I had to have perfect skin--just like I used to think that I had to have the 'perfect' body in order to love myself, like myself, or be myself. Perfection does not constitute beauty, it is a toxic and obsessive illusion. I may never have clear or perfect skin again for the rest of my life, but does that make me any less beautiful or any less beautiful of a person? No. Should I use my acne as an excuse to miss out on my own life? No. Am I less deserving of love and self-worth because of my acne? Definitely not. Should I be ashamed of my acne? No, because being getting acne is a completely normal human experience.

Acne isn't inherently negative, ugly, or bad by nature, it is only when we attribute those traits to acne that it becomes such. Acne happens, and that's okay.

Although I'm not completely comfortable walking around without makeup or going without covering my forehead when I have a bad breakout, I'm slowly starting to be okay with having obvious acne on my face. I'll admit that I carry around a bag of makeup with me now so that I can cover my face throughout the day, that I'm on a new acne medication plan that has reduced how intense my breakouts are, that I try to use filters to minimize my acne in photos, and that I get embarrassed to go out in public when nothing I do to cover my zits seems to work; but the crying and the disgust I used to feel when I looked in the mirror have stopped. I don't let little (or big) red marks on my face determine how I feel about myself or my life.

Because acne and beauty are not mutually exclusive. 

Photographs

Although I've made a lot of progress on my journey to love my body and who I am post-eating disorders, earlier this year I realized that I still have a long way to go before being completely comfortable with myself in every regard.While I'm usually fine with looking at myself in the mirror and liking what I see, I still cringe whenever I see an unattractive picture of myself (granted, I usually think every picture of me is unattractive unless it's carefully posed and edited--something that I think is more common than not within groups of women). Up until a few months ago, I would even go as far as to untag myself from and hide pictures of myself that I didn't like from my Facebook timeline. Because of this, dating a photographer whose favorite subject to photograph is you, can kind of be problematic.

After our first couple of months dating, Justin started to bring his camera on our dates and to be honest, I hated the pictures he took of me. Even worse, he would publish them on Facebook for everyone to see--whether I liked how I looked or not (he actually didn't know how much I was struggling with this until a few weeks ago when I started conceptualizing this post). Although I didn't ever stop him from posting photos of me, I made sure that only the ones I could tolerate showed up on my social media timeline. I was also quick to pick apart why I didn't like the photos, despite all the compliments and reassurance he would give me (I'm pretty sure it's human nature to be your own worst critic). I think it's usually easier for us to find things we don't like about ourselves than things we do--especially in photos. Maybe it's the concrete nature of having a picture taken of you that incites personal critique. As in, once a photo is taken, it can't be taken back. And even more so, once a photo is posted online, it can't be unseen. I think there's also a fear of once you see an unattractive picture of yourself, you become afraid of that potentially being how people see you in everyday life. It's kind of comparable to hearing your voice on a recording and asking yourself: "Do I really sound like that?"

One of the most frustrating parts about Justin taking pictures of me back then was that whenever I didn't like a picture, he couldn't see why I didn't like it. We used to joke that it was because he was biased, but after months of Justin taking pictures of me and having the time to reflect on my negative thoughts, I realize now that there wasn't anything bad with the pictures themselves. In fact, there has never been anything wrong with pictures of myself that I haven't liked or thought were ugly. What was wrong though, was how poorly I was willing to treat myself just because I didn't look the way I wanted to or thought I should. The more I've thought about this, the more I've realized how common of an experience this is for women collectively. We've all asked someone to re-take our picture because we didn't like the first one. We've all taken what feels like a million selfies just so we can get the perfect angle or lighting. We've all tried to use a filter to take away our blemishes or to distract from features we don't like on ourselves. And, we've all looked at a photo of ourselves and desperately asked: "Do I really look like that?"

Over the past couple of months, I've tried to make a consistent effort to question and counter any the typical negativity I experience when I look at a picture of myself that isn't necessarily attractive. And I'll be honest, it's been way harder than I ever could have anticipated. Not only is doing this an attempt to overcome your thoughts, but also your emotions as well. I think as women, we're taught to focus our efforts regarding our worth and self-esteem upon our appearance. By doing this, we place unrealistic expectations upon ourselves to the extent that (at least in my case) when we see a "bad" picture of ourselves, we immediately feel ashamed and embarrassed—almost as if it's a direct blow to who we are as a person (something which is entirely untrue).

Believe it or not, over time I’ve actually found that the “bad” and unattractive pictures of me have their own beauty to them. They show me as a living, breathing, and feeling being. They feature me in all my imperfect, but authentic glory. By embracing photos of me that I would have initially perceived as unattractive in the past, I’ve gotten to see myself with new eyes while also finding a new sense of freedom. I’m no longer afraid that my carefully crafted image of myself and self-esteem are going to crumble as soon as someone posts a picture of me that I don’t like. When I look at a picture now, I see myself first and my imperfections second--instead of the other way around. There really isn't such a thing as"unattractive" pictures, but there is such a thing as having an unattractive outlook on yourself. Pictures are just pictures. In a sense, they're neutral until we assign subjective meanings to them.

We aren't always going to look selfie-ready and that's okay. Photos are meant for capturing memories, not negativity over how we look. Looking at some of the pictures that Justin took of me is almost a bittersweet experience for this reason. In some of the photos, I was so preoccupied with how I looked that it took away from the actual moment that was being captured. Luckily, I realized all of this before Justin and I took our wedding photos. Had I not done this, I think the same thing would have happened with those photos too. However, because of my actions I'm able to look back at our photos and remember how happy I was rather than how preoccupied I was with how the photos were going to turn out or how I was going to look in the photos.  

Although it still takes conscious effort to remind myself that unattractive pictures are just pictures, at least now I know that there is so much more to who I am than what a camera lens captures me as. A camera can never capture how compassionate you are; how intelligent you are; or how talented you are. It can never capture the lives you’ve touched for the better, the challenges you’ve faced, or how intrinsically important you are. 

Pictures capture us in a moment of time whether we're ready or not,  

And I for one want to make sure that I remember that moment as a good one regardless.

Ponytails

Last night I went to my sister's house for Sunday dinner. As we were about to sit down to eat, I leaned over to my four-year-old niece and told her that she was beautiful.

She stared me, confused, as she replied:

"No. I'm only beautiful when I have a ponytail."

I stared back at her, confused.

It took me longer than it should have to comprehend what she told me, but when I did, the impact of her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I was shocked.

First of all: How could a four-year-old girl already have thoughts like this forming in her head?

Secondly: How could a four-year-old girl already have established limitations and requirements for beauty?

And lastly: How could a four-year-old girl already have the same thoughts that grown women often experience? (As in, we can only be beautiful if we do certain things--makeup, clothing, hair, weight loss, etc.)

I know, I know. I'm probably over-analyzing this--I mean, I'm definitely more sensitive to comments of this nature than other people due to my experiences with eating disorders and body dysmorphia. She could have easily just said it without thinking twice or thinking negatively of herself in the process. She could have easily just been mimicking something that she heard elsewhere.

But even if that's true, even if she's just repeating what others have said, that's another serious problem in and of itself.

I think I was upset by this because I saw myself in her.

I once wrote a post about a time when my friend asked me how early my low body-image began, and while sitting here writing this, I'm realizing that it started around my niece's age.

When I was her age, I didn't just say and listen to comments like this, but I internalized them and as a result, they festered inside of me until they began to rot.

At her age, I would think that I was only beautiful when... or I would only be beautiful if...

It got to the point where I used to wish that I could take my head off of my body and place it on someone else's so that I could finally be beautiful.

I should probably mention that I understand that the thoughts I had at her age were a little more extreme than simply saying that a ponytail is what makes me look beautiful; however, the processes behind those thoughts are the same.

Feelings of inadequacy, requirement, and expectation are powerful.
Additionally, the impact of our words upon children are even more so.

Before I go any further, I want to hurry and establish that I don't think that my sister has ever caused my niece to think negatively about herself. If anything, my niece has more confidence than I do because of how she's being raised and empowered by her mother.

In fact, the same little girl that made the previous comment about herself, looked in a mirror at my parent's house a few weeks earlier with dirt and paint on her face, exclaiming: "I am beautiful!"

Maybe that's why her comment upset me.

I want to know what changed in her over the course of these past weeks to cause her to say something like this. I want to know how a thought like this slipped through the armor of self-confidence that my sister has placed on her.

Then again, I've caught myself doing the same thing on various occasions. One moment I'll love how I look and the next, I'll hate myself.

Even the strongest armor can have a chink in it.
And self-confidence can be fleeting.

It's been a long process, but I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm beautiful
no matter how I look--make up and hair done; or no make-up and hair not done. 

How often do we as women allow our self-esteem and the perception of our intrinsic beauty to be dictated by simple things like "ponytails" (when we reach the perfect weight, have the perfect makeup, have the perfect hair, or have the perfect clothes)? How often do we flip between self-love and self-hate--harming ourselves in the process? Why is it so hard to love ourselves all of the time without strings attached?

We're not always going to have our hair in ponytails (to continue the analogy), so isn't it about time that we stop saying "I'm only beautiful when I have a ponytail" and start saying "I'm beautiful".

Beauty shouldn't be reliant on the when's or if's of life.

Beauty isn't something that changes with how we look.
Beauty isn't something that dwells in our past or only exists in our future.

Beauty is now.

And it has no requirements.

Meet Rachel

I first met Rachel Morrow while I was working at my part-time job a few weeks ago. She and her friend approached me and mentioned that they knew of me and my blog. Needless to say, I was super flattered that people actually knew who I was and read what I wrote! We exchanged information and decided to collaborate in the near future. Rachel is an incredible writer and an inspiring woman who doesn't let depression drag her down. To learn more about her story and to read the article that I wrote for her blog, check out her blog, Finding the Sunshine, at www.yellowinthegray.com 

 I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist. From the time that I was little, I can remember feeling a little bubble of anxiety in my chest when things weren’t perfect. I’ve wanted to be perfect—to be the perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect friend, perfect student…perfect everything. This wasn’t too much of a problem until I was diagnosed with depression when I was sixteen.

My perfectionism fed my depression. It made me hate myself for not living up to an impossible standard. The more I thought about my insecurities, the stronger my depression grew. I felt like I was never going to be able to be good enough and that I might as well give up. No matter what I did that was good, I felt like there were a billion other bad things to outweigh it.

 I mostly got things under control by the time I was eighteen. I started school at BYU and decided to serve a mission at age nineteen. A month or two into my mission, my perfectionism (along with my depression) started to really get to me. I got overwhelmed and frustrated. As my depression started to drown me, my perfectionism was there too as my constant companion. I felt like I was failing as a missionary--I was failing myself, God, and the people around me. What I didn't realize is that the chemical imbalance in my brain was causing these thoughts. I was holding myself up to a standard that wasn't realistic because it was perfection.

When I came home early from my mission in 2013, my depression was debilitating. I had to come home after six months because I couldn't do the missionary work and for my health it wasn't right for me to stay in the field. So when I got home, I still struggled to get out of bed. I had a hard time with social interactions and often had panic attacks when I was in a crowd of people. I felt absolutely awful about myself. Because I had come home early, I felt like a failure. I was trying to work to be better—I started my blog, I went back to school, I got a job, etc.—but my depression and my perfectionism kept telling me I wasn’t good enough. I hated myself for being depressed and for not being able to do what other people can do.

Finally, I started to realize that perfection isn’t possible. I began to look for the little accomplishments I did each day. I decided to live each individual day to the fullest, and to go from there. If one day all I could do is shower—that was enough for me because I was living that day to the fullest. The less I focused on the things I couldn’t do and the more I focused on what I could do the happier I became. Progress has become my mantra.

Progress, to me, is living my life to the fullest. As I take each day one at a time, my days are brighter and I am happier. I have to assess each day individually and work on some sort of progress for that specific day. Progress doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be one step, then another. I still struggle with perfectionism, but I’m learning more and more each day. As Frederick Douglass said, “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” To struggle is okay. Struggling and striving are a part of the human experience. Through my battle with mental illness I have learned that perfection isn’t possible. But I’ve also learned that it’s not perfection that matters—it’s progress.



Love,
The Optimist in Progress

No Makeup Challenge

When I was little, I remember telling my older sisters that I would never wear makeup because it was like lying to the people around you about what you looked like. I held strong to this belief until I hit middle school and the pressure to look like everyone else became overwhelming.

So I digressed.

Seventh grade marked the beginning of a new life. It was the first time that I believed that I needed to change how I looked to not only like myself, but to have others like me as well.

To be pretty.

I would go to my locker between class periods to touch up my foundation or mascara.
I would stop by every reflective surface I came across to make sure I looked "okay".
I would wake up early each morning to make sure I had enough time to put on a new face;

A better face that I liked more.

For the past couple of months, I've wanted to do a "no makeup challenge" where you go a week without wearing an ounce of makeup and note the consequences (positive and negative) thereof.

I'll be honest with you, getting myself to commit to this was ridiculously harder than I thought it would be. I don't want to say that I was scared to go without makeup, but it was more like I was uncomfortable with the thought of it. It was an alien concept to me; a different reality that I had forgotten how to live.

I guess my morning routine of putting on makeup had become more than just a habit, it was an addiction.

Anyways, the best instigator for me to actually follow through with my plans was waking up 10 minutes before class started last Monday. In a panicked state, I had to make an instant decision:

Breakfast or makeup?

Given my history of disordered eating, It would have been a contradiction if I had been willing to let myself skip a meal for the sake of my appearance.

(Seriously though. How did I even consider going five hours without food just to have clearer looking skin?)

So,
I ate, changed my clothes, and (literally) ran to class.

Day 1

After I got back from classes that day, I decided to make this experiment official and I typed up all the thoughts that I had felt while being makeup free.

Here are just a few of them:

• It's liberating--I feel like an elementary kid again.
• I forgot what it was like to live like this...I can remember being so excited to start wearing makeup in middle school---now it's not something I necessarily want to do, but that I feel that I have to do.
• I can't describe how this feels--I feel...fresh?? Definitely not the word I was going for...its like my face is saying "ahhhhhh"--Like those actors on a minty gum commercial.
• I can actually touch my face! AND RUB MY EYES. WHAT IS THIS.
• Is it normal to feel more confident without makeup?
• Wait, how long have my eyes been green?
• I love how everyone assumes that when a girl doesn't wear makeup, it's because she slept in or is sick...even if it's true.
• I feel like myself...more authentic--Like I'm not trying to hide anything.
• Is this how it is for guys every morning? They wake up, brush their hair, eat, dress, and go?

Day 2

• Oh great. I have to give a presentation today and be filmed. Oops.
• Wait, why am I saying oops?
• Will anyone notice?
• Of course they will. You're wearing a different face.
• I wonder what people are thinking about me...
• Wait, I shouldn't care about that.
• I actually think I like this a lot better...
• Can I really do a whole week of this?

Day 3

• I look older and younger at the same time.
• Maybe I could just do foundation but no eye makeup...or tinted lip balm...
• Is that cheating?
• Maybe those acne scars aren't as bad as I thought they were.
• FACE TOUCHING IS SO WEIRD.
• Crap, I hope it's okay if I go to work like this--I can't get fired over something like this, right? 
• My eyes are HUGE.
• Do I feel tired because I am or because I've been taught that not wearing makeup means that you're tired?
• Maybe I could compensate somewhere else on my appearance to distract from this...

Day 4

If you couldn't tell, I was more than a little conflicted over how I felt about going without makeup. However, as the week went on, it became more natural for me to do ("practice makes perfect"). You can even tell in the pictures that I took, that I began to feel more comfortable with this new version of myself the longer that I got to know her, but it definitely took some getting used to.

For the first few days of going without makeup, I would look in the mirror and see a stranger. I felt as if I had missed out on a lifetime of getting to know this person. Whenever I saw her at bedtime or early in the morning, I would avert my eyes until I was done making her over.

I had forgotten what I looked like.

As I went throughout the week, I found myself standing taller and taking larger strides as I walked around campus. I felt more self-assured and capable.

I found a confidence within myself that I had forgotten existed.
Since I spent less time worrying about my face, I was able to spend more time focusing on myself.

At the beginning of the week, I was worried about about what people would think of me without makeup, but by the end of the week I was worried about having to start wearing makeup again.

(I tried to put on makeup the following weekend and it was a hot mess. I didn't realize how quickly my makeup application skills had gotten out of shape!)

Day 5

I know that a lot of women say that makeup is empowering, and I completely agree! Sometimes having a black line around your eyelashes or some color on your lips can make a world of difference with one's confidence.

But, if you have to look in a makeup bag to find your confidence, that's a problem.
Also, if you feel like you have to wear makeup because you're expected to, not because you want to, that's a problem as well.

Women are constantly told by the media and cosmetics companies that their best is never good enough.
They could always look better.
That they'll be better if they look better.

But according to whose standards?

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but after this experience, I think I'm going to take a break from makeup for a while. That doesn't mean that I won't ever wear it, bur rather that I probably won't wear as much as I used to.

I mean, what was I really trying to cover up with all of the foundation, concealer, mascara, and blush that I would normally wear?

Myself?
My insecurities?

You know, I'm really glad that I finally had a reason to start this challenge; it stretched me way outside of my comfort zone and I think I'm a better person now because of it.

A more confident person.
A more self-aware person.
A more self-accepting person.

I know that doing something like this doesn't work for everyone, but if you haven't done it before, I definitely recommend going a week--or even a day, without makeup. It's one of the most empowering things that I have ever done. It was like telling the world that I was okay with who I am and how I look; that I shouldn't have to look perfect to feel perfectly fine about my appearance.

Of course there were times when I felt incredibly self-conscious about how I looked, but the more that I fought those thoughts, the less they occurred.

Maybe for me, wearing makeup wasn't so much about "lying" to the people around me about how I looked, but rather a way of me lying to myself about where I got my confidence from.

I love makeup and I love the way makeup looks,
But now I love the way that I look without makeup even more.