"After a minute or two, silence would rush into the room from its hiding place because I had eaten up all of the sounds."
-Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Back in the days when I felt like someone special,
not a pathetic mess.

I'll admit, some days I can't help but crumble.

Life can really stink. It can be depressing and dark. Sometimes, it can cause permanent frown lines.
( I already have a few by the corners of my mouth, age doesn't matter so beware!)

Yesterday morning I binged again (turns out I had high blood sugar, just another complication in this whole dilemma). Bringing on a day's worth of depression. Exercising helped me push my emotions aside, but my "tough, indifferent girl" facade cracked on the way home from a trip downtown with my Mom and brother. An ad about "quick and easy" weight loss came on the radio and a wave of anger crashed over me. I felt like I was drowning in emotions, mostly confusion and frustration.

Then came silence.
What else could I do?

My world just seemed to be closing in around me and claustrophobia kicked in. I chose to save my breath instead of wasting it. I went into survival mode.

Whenever I can't handle life, I shut down.  It's my escape.

Once I lock down, it's hard to come back to reality. I try to hide it, but I'm pretty much an open book (...or more so blog). If I try to come to, it's like trying to stand with a broken leg; it can't be done and it's extremely painful.  My family ends up suffering because of my emotions (or lack of) and when I do choose to speak, it's never positive or kind.

 Not only do I suck the sound out of a room, I take the joy with me when I leave.

I usually try channel my frustrations towards myself and how I look. I push myself down in hopes of making myself hate who I am just enough that permanent change will finally happen.

It never does.

I run to the fridge for relief as soon as I can't take it anymore. I listen to my stomach instead of talking to others. It feels like a punch to the gut....and my self-esteem.

Usually sleep is just about the only thing that can bring me out of my depression.

I guess it's like walking outside after it rains.
Everything is still wet and murky, but at least the storm has passed.

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