Valentine

I want to be loved so badly.

I tried my hardest today to put on a face that wouldn't let anyone see my hopes and disappointments fighting behind my phony smiles. I tried to turn today into a joke by wearing an ugly sweater with hearts and a family of sheep stitched across it. Ironically enough, I stopped trying for one moment and someone saw how I really felt. Jokingly she said it was the saddest thing she had ever seen, and jokingly, I said that I was just tired.

I guess I am tired. Tired of feeling worthless.

I think everyone wants to be loved. To have someone else think about you, dream about you and want to protect you. Obviously I've never been a guy, so I have no idea how their minds work when they find a girl that they really love. I'd like to imagine that a typical guy would go out of his way to be around her, and put forth effort to make her feel the same way he feels about her. This might sound horrible, but should also be a little jealous of other people that interact with her...monopolize her.

I don't have anyone I love right now or even anyone I "like".
I do want to fall in love though, and have someone fall in love with me...more than anything.
Sometimes, so much that it hurts. Almost like that burn that comes after or during a workout.
After all, the heart is a muscle too...

I was a little disappointed when no one sent me a "singing" Valentine, smiled my way, or even said "Happy Valentine's" today. I don't want a sappy high school hormone fit, I want something lasting.

Ha. I guess everyone does.

I wonder what it feels like to be in love. What does a hug from a boyfriend feel like? Is dating awkward, and when does it become natural? How do you become boyfriend and girlfriend? Is kissing all that it's cutout to be? Does kissing matter?...How do you kiss? What does love feel like? How do you know what love is?

I heard today that Valentine's Day is in honor of a priest who allowed Catholic couples to marry in a time when the Pope prohibited it...why have I never heard that before? I wonder if we should focus on the commitment side of the holiday rather than the romance...

I can't decide if I hate, or respect J. Alfred Prufrock more now.
Is he a coward, or a heart-breaker?

Has anyone ever loved me?

As far as love goes, I try to engulf myself in imaginary worlds rather than reality.
Hmmm...I do the same thing when I try to escape depression...

I have a "I need a boyfriend" playlist on my Ipod. It's full of songs that comprise of men singing of sweet nothings.

I'm scared that the media has increased my expectations of love.

I want to be loved.
But I guess I have to learn to love myself first.