The Perks of

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I've always put myself down. I guess I haven't ever completely loved myself.
When I was younger, I would look at myself in the mirror and say,
"You have a good body, but an ugly face".

Now all I see is someone who isn't worthy of receiving anything from anyone.
Nothing about me is good.

I think that sometimes we also give ourselves the life we think we deserve, even if it isn't true. It's human nature to cut ourselves short. For some, it can be a crippling, and chronic disability.

I often wonder if I have depression. It seems like depression isn't a disease given to a select few. Everyone has it, but it manifests itself when we're at our lowest. When we want to fall into nothingness. When we want to forget our insignificance in the world.

Sometimes I can't help but get mad. I get upset that no one seems to understand me. No one seems to want or know how to help me. They criticized me in the past for being cautious, but now they yell at me for giving in.

What do you expect of me?

I get that two people who are drowning can't save each other. Ironically enough, they probably don't even notice the other person struggling beside them.

I just want to be happy again.
Truly, happy.

Was I happy before this happened?
Or was it just so different from what I was before that I accepted it as happiness?

I really do put on a good face for those around me.
I don't understand why society seems to expect everyone to be a certain way.
Not physically, but emotionally.
It's considered taboo to show up at school and actually tell people how you feel.
Or even to let it show on your face.

Guys always want girls that are just a smile.
I guess girls are the same way.
Who would ever want to help another person carry their baggage?

I probably should be more optimistic.
I probably should be a lot of things.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

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