Alyson Wonderland

I'm not really sure what happened today.

I guess part of my problem was that I stayed upstairs to help my brother with his homework when I should have gone to my room.

I definitely ate more than I should have. I ate a ton from 4:00pm-5:00pm. Then snacked on cheese until I had dinner at 6:00pm. Then I went to a church activity, came home, and ate more. Now I'm about to go to bed and I feel disgusting.

I know I'll just have to pick myself back up tomorrow, but I can't believe I let myself fall back into old habits. I also had two diet sodas today too.

Another broken goal.

I think I just gave up after I realized what I had done. I don't feel very well so I'm not going to exercise tonight either.

I feel fatter. Not just from the food, but I can tell I'm gaining weight.

My skin feels like the red snowsuit from "The Christmas Story".
Instead of padding, I have thick layers of fat.

I can't move very well, and I feel claustrophobic.
I waddle everywhere.
I'm truly uncomfortable in my own skin.

When I was younger, a girl in my neighborhood bullied me for some reason I can't remember. In reality,  she probably was trying to find some justice on behalf of her brother, but childish remarks are always thought the cruelest during childhood.

She would call me, "Alyson-Wonderland" every time she saw me. For years after, I hated Alice and her "wonder"land.

I've been reading "The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll for the past couple of days. I actually really like it. I love that Carroll was able to mock the false rationalism that makes up personal thought processes and find humor in the absurdity that we call musings. In a sense, he expresses the fact that we always believe ourselves to sound rather respectable when talking within heads, but in reality, our sense is often not very sensible. It's a book that makes you think about how you think.

A quote from the book reminds me of my situation.

" 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

"...I'll stay down here! It'll be no use their putting their heads down and saying 'Come up again, dear!' I shall only look up and say 'Who am I, then? Tell me that first, and if I like being that person, I'll come up: if not, I'll stay down here until I'm somebody else'--but oh dear!" cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears, "I do wish they would put their heads down! I am so very tired of being all alone here!"

I used to think that I knew who I was, but this eating disorder has changed me.

Family and friends have tried to pull me out of my own "rabbit hole", but staying trapped with my thoughts is almost easier than facing reality. 

I wish I was my old self. I liked her, a lot. 

She was thin, fit, smart and witty. 

Fashionable, outgoing, confident, and flirty.

Boys liked her, and she liked herself.

But, I guess I'm going to stay down here with Alice until I become that somebody else again. 

I wish those around me would try and put their heads down too. 

It's always nice to have your struggles acknowledged.
To be asked if you're okay.

To have someone hear your silent tears. 

I am so tired of being all alone.