New Years Resolution 2017

Wow! I can't believe that it's already New Years Eve!

Marrying Justin was definitely the highlight of 2016 for me :)

This time last year, I couldn't even fathom the changes that would be coming my way in 2016 (especially marriage), but I think I've done a pretty good job with adjusting my sails to the upcoming year. While the New Year brings with it new hopes, new goals, and new expectations, I think that sometimes we use the New Year as an excuse to criticize ourselves and bully our appearances (it also doesn't help that dieting companies and gyms often amp up advertising around this time to remind us of our "inadequacies" so that we'll buy their products and become our "best" selves). For the past few years, I've tried to write a post on or around New Years Eve to talk about my goals for myself in the upcoming year; this year though, I want to try something different. This year, I want to challenge myself and all of you to be kinder to ourselves in making New Years resolutions than we were in years prior. Also, while it's okay to want to become healthier, making resolutions that involve weight loss are often a double-edged sword.

If you're at a weight that you're not comfortable with, that's okay! Your weight doesn't determine whether you're a success or a failure; your weight doesn't validate or invalidate your existence; and your weight definitely does not serve as a determinate for happiness or unhappiness. No matter what you weigh, you're still you--and who you are is beautiful and worth loving. We need to learn to love ourselves and be happy with ourselves without strings attached and before we consider losing weight. If you're only happy and comfortable once you fit into those jeans your wore in high school or if you weigh the same weight as you did at a previous point in your life, your happiness becomes narrowed and your expectations of yourself become toxic. Additionally, losing weight doesn't necessarily solve all your problems; sometimes, it creates problems instead (like the development of anorexia and bulimia in my case). Often, we're our harshest judges and as a result, make false or unsupported assumptions about ourselves based off of how we think others see us.

 If you are considering making a goal to lose weight this year (which is totally fine--I'm not condemning losing weight, but instead the negative and harmful reasons that often pressure us to feel the need to lose weight in the first place), I would suggest that instead of dieting, consider making goals that involve self-acceptance and also take the time to question why you feel the need to lose weight in the first place. Why? Because this worked for me (also, most diets often result in eating disorders, fail after few weeks, cause unhealthy relationships with food, and result weight gain as well). Since overcoming my binge eating disorder four years ago (I still can't believe it's been that long--time really does heal you and complete recovery is always a reality), I've lost a significant amount of weight though countering my own negative thoughts about myself, assessing my sources of self-worth, developing a healthy relationship with food, and realizing that what I eat and what I weigh don't define me. Sure, it's not a quick way to lose weight (it's taken me about three years to get all of the disorder weight off), but it's healthier for you than any diet plan out there both mentally and physically. 

The best diet is not to diet and the best way to make a New Years resolution is to build yourself up first, rather tearing yourself down. 

I hope that 2017 is a great year for all of you and I'm excited to see where this new year takes us (one of my resolutions is to get back in the swing of posting regularly)! 

Oh, and Happy New Year!

New Year, New Stuff, Old Problems

Along with the new year, a lot of new changes are coming to the blog--like video posts! Thanks for all of your support this past year, I couldn't have done it without you!

What are some of your resolutions for the new year? I'd love to hear about them in the comment section below!

New Year

Happy New Year! I can't believe that it's already 2015! When my siblings and I were watching the countdown in Times Square, my brother made the comment that we're now the same distance away from 2030 as we are from 2000....which is a pretty crazy thought! We may have not gotten the hoverboards, self-lacing shoes, and expandable food promised in "Back to the Future II", but hey, I'll keep my fingers crossed for 2030.

The end of 2014 marked the beginning of my third year free from bingeing, strict dieting, and my habits associated with what was left of my eating disorders. I can eat food without feeling guilty, and I finally know how to properly feed myself--which feels amazing! I still find myself fighting off my own self-depreciating thoughts, low self-esteem, and negativity towards my body, but I'm proud of the ground I've gained. I've won this battle, and now I'm waiting for my enemy to retreat.

One thing I love about the new year is the period of obligatory self-reflection and goal-making that follows. Although we usually tend to forget or give up on these goals shortly after making them, I think there's a lot of value in having even a small desire to improve oneself.

My goal for this year? Make goals that are worth keeping.

Not:

"If I lose weight, or gain weight, I'll like myself more."
"If I can become this size, everything will be okay."
"If by changing my body, I can make someone else love me, I'll be able to love myself."
"I just need to lose five pounds, or I just need to be a size ____."

I've learned that these aren't goals,
They're poison.

Instead, I'm aiming to make 2015 the year that I:
-Loved myself unconditionally, with no strings attached.
-Always said yes to dessert.
-Told myself how cute I looked each time I walked past a mirror, rather than seeing my flaws.
-Became comfortable in my skin, no matter what size or condition it was in.
-Ignored what society said I should be, or how I should look.
-Became a person I am proud of.


This year, I'm planning on loving my body first, and moving on from there.

2013: A Year in Review

A new year symbolizes a new start and a rebirth. It can be used as a marker of progress made and motivation to continue on in various endeavors.

A year ago today I was suicidal and depressed. I had lost all hope for recovery and my future seemed bleak. My relationship with my parents was strained and I was a living lie to all of my friends. I was constantly masking my feelings and trials, hoping for a better day that I feared would never come. I was isolated and alone, my soul shrouded in constant, endless night.

I had to see a therapist every week in order to better grab hold of the reality surrounding me. Every appointment was primed by tears and filled with sorrow. I would talk about the hatred I held for my sisters and the loathing of my mother. I would cry over the fate I had been given and the misunderstandings of the world. I would empty my heart to a complete stranger.

I would constantly check out of school or be late to classes with the excuse that, "I didn't feel well". I was telling the truth, but my sickness was caused by chemical imbalances, actions taken, and overwhelming insecurities--not physical illness or Diabetes. I stopped participating in activities that once brought me joy. I purged in secret at home and in public; as a result, my eyes became bloodshot and my skin sallow.  I wore baggy clothes and pretended not to care about my appearance. In reality, I was trying to hide my body from my own scrutiny and that of others.

I went to San Francisco, had some fun. I binged on my roommates foods while they were gone. I cried on the hotel balcony for what seemed like hours. Slowly I gave up on my schooling, friends, and life. Since I didn't trust myself, I wouldn't trust anyone else.

Through my therapist, I was able to meet a doctor who specialized in eating disorders. He gave me hope, medication and valuable advice. Since then, my problems have been far from gone, but at least they're diminishing slowly, one by one. I began my first semester of college in June and the impossible started to become a possibility. The control held by my eating disorder started to dissolve, food became less of a burden and I could finally stand tall. Despite progress made, my insecurities remained (and I'm sure they'll never completely go away). I avoided pictures and mirrors;  I restrained from being myself. I did meet a dear friend though, and because of her I started to live again.

In 365 days I have become a person that I never thought I would ever be. I still get sad, I still slip up, but at least now I love who I am and appreciate where I've been.

I've learned that life should measured by the trials we have endured and risen above. I could look back at this past year and see myself as a victim, but rather, I choose to see how I became empowered by my experiences.

I am strong, but not unbreakable.

Here's to the end 2013, and the dawn of 2014.
It's a new year "with no mistakes in it yet".