Lately I've been feeling bitter. Especially towards those who are losing weight, while I keep packing on the pounds. After I lost 30 lbs. last year, I was so proud of myself. I swore I would never go back to being miserable and insecure. Whenever I would walk past a reflective surface, I would stop to check myself out. I looked good but I felt even better.

Now that I'm back to where I started, I can't help but feel depressed whenever I hear about someone elses success story. At first I feel proud of them for changing their lives (remembering how hard it was for me), then I realize I'm not who I once was. I'm pushed myself back while everyone around me seems to be shooting forward. It's frustrating. I watched this YouTube video earlier today and I ended up in a terrible mood after. I guess it must be because of all of the times I've tried to lose weight again and failed. Too many disappointments and too much hope lost. I'm not as optimistic as I once was.  I can't help but think I as watch this, "Now let's see you keep that weight off.", "You have a hard road ahead of you." "You probably gained back at least twenty pounds.".

I don't understand why this is so hard for me. Sure, my blood sugar warps this problem even more than other binge eaters, but I just can't get a handle on my cravings. Even thinking about my emotions makes me want to walk a few steps to my fridge and eat away my troubles. Eating seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore. I've been trying to have 100 sips of water whenever I feel a binge coming on, but I know by tomorrow I'll stop.

I hate myself.

I hate looking at myself.
I am disgusting.
"What you eat in private, shows in public."

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