Swimming

I know I must sound stupid, but I applied for a job to be a life-guard this summer. I didn't realize just how insecure I was in a swimming suit until after I had gone through the interview process and it struck me that I would be in one all summer. That's not to mention the certification classes and training sessions too.

Because you have to be tested on your swimming ability before you take the class, my friend and I are going swimming today to practice for our pre-test today in a few minutes. Honestly, I do not want to go. I look like a beached whale. Last year when my family went to Hawaii on vacation, I had just lost the weight and I looked like I actually belonged on a beach. No so much now.

I seriously look terrible. My face has gotten chubbier, my rear literally is about to explode from the bottoms and I look like I belong on "16 and Pregnant" as far as my stomach is concerned.

I can't wait to lose weight again.

Today at school I gave a "mini-lesson" on descriptive writing. As a treat for my class I brought a box of cookies from the grocery store. As fate would have it, I had a ton of extras. I was literally fighting myself the entire class period to make sure I wouldn't embarrass myself in front of everyone by eating the rest of the cookies. In the end, I ended up eating at least two cookies, plus lunch. Not a very good day. This whole thing is getting ridiculous. I know I've said this a million times before, but binge eating is similar to a drug addiction. It goes along with the pleasure cycle. I can't even get away from it necessarily.



This is seriously a terrible picture, but I think it proves my point.
(I was the one in black)

I just hope this summer I can keep myself covered at the pool.
For everyone's well-being.

Arthur

Lately I've been feeling bitter. Especially towards those who are losing weight, while I keep packing on the pounds. After I lost 30 lbs. last year, I was so proud of myself. I swore I would never go back to being miserable and insecure. Whenever I would walk past a reflective surface, I would stop to check myself out. I looked good but I felt even better.

Now that I'm back to where I started, I can't help but feel depressed whenever I hear about someone elses success story. At first I feel proud of them for changing their lives (remembering how hard it was for me), then I realize I'm not who I once was. I'm pushed myself back while everyone around me seems to be shooting forward. It's frustrating. I watched this YouTube video earlier today and I ended up in a terrible mood after. I guess it must be because of all of the times I've tried to lose weight again and failed. Too many disappointments and too much hope lost. I'm not as optimistic as I once was.  I can't help but think I as watch this, "Now let's see you keep that weight off.", "You have a hard road ahead of you." "You probably gained back at least twenty pounds.".

I don't understand why this is so hard for me. Sure, my blood sugar warps this problem even more than other binge eaters, but I just can't get a handle on my cravings. Even thinking about my emotions makes me want to walk a few steps to my fridge and eat away my troubles. Eating seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore. I've been trying to have 100 sips of water whenever I feel a binge coming on, but I know by tomorrow I'll stop.

I hate myself.

I hate looking at myself.
I am disgusting.
"What you eat in private, shows in public."

Relapse

I binged today.
And yesterday.
And the day before.

Now let me say that they have progressively gotten smaller, but they do still happen. Today's binge wasn't small at all, it was almost like I went back to a few months ago. It was miserable. I almost missed hanging out with my friends because I woke up from a nap and started to binge. I had two bags of cookies, two glasses of milk, an ice cream sandwich, I finished a carton of creamsicle ice cream, four graham crackers, mini wheats, pretzels and more. My stomach killed after and I tried to purge. It didn't work and luckily I just wasn't desperate enough to keep trying today.

I left to go to my friends house to meet up with them so we could head over to the high school for a musical theatre show. When we got to the performance, I couldn't help but look at all of the different body types there. I found myself hating strangers and loathing everyone there for probably never knowing what it felt like to not have control of their bodies. I was jealous of those smaller than me and had flashbacks remembering what I once looked like. I don't blame anyone but myself for what I've become. That's probably why I get so frustrated, I was the one that wasted all of my hard work. I am my worst enemy.