I've noticed more so lately than I have ever before (probably because I'm not a size 4 anymore) how obsessed all girls are with their body sizes. No label seems hurt as much as a dress size. You could pretty much call a girl anything you want, except for a size larger than a 6.

I guess this first came to my realization last month during dress fittings for A Capella at school. It was ridiculous to watch and even worse to listen to what girls were saying about their bodies. It was seriously like a competition to see who was the smallest, who looked the best, or who lost the most weight in the last year. I understand that I was once that way too, and i'll admit that I still am at times. There is nothing that I want more than to be fit again, but there were some girls that forced themselves into sizes smaller than they were just so they could feel better about themselves. 

Having an eating disorder has really caused me to step back and look at the way that others view their bodies because I always have to deal with my own body insecurities that I've brought upon myself. To keep my thoughts brief, that was one of the worst days of school so far this year. It was just another reminder to me that I wasn't the cute petite girl that I was last year, and that others could see me for I was now, they noticed my body change just as much as I have. I had a friend (who I think was trying to be kind) ask me what size I was. I told her what size I thought I would be, and (embarrassed for me) she started to say how I  couldn't be that big and people that size are huge. Trust me, that felt like rubbing salt in a very fresh wound. She also happened to be a size "0" herself, so I don't think that she realizes just how hurtful comments like that are to someone of my size because she hasn't had an ounce of fat on her body in her life. 

Me and my closest friends at one of our high school
football games this summer.

It seems to be that those who have never had weight issues tend to be the most ignorant as far as body image goes. They don't mean to be hurtful, but they haven't ever felt the insecurities and depression that comes with excessive weight gain. I think they just say things without thinking or they try to help and end up making the situation worse.

I understand that everyone has things that they want to change about themselves, but weight is something you can never fully understand unless you have too much of it. Unless you feel the fat jiggle and reverberate as you move. Unless you experience not being able fit into any of your clothes and then having to give a majority of them away. Unless you experience the looks people give you.

 It's a terrible thing to have your body be your worst enemy.

The thing that hurt me the most about the dress fittings was the fact that so many of the girls had no idea what I personally have had to go through over the past few months. I'm not naturally the size that I am. It's because I let food take over my life and become my anti-depressant. They have no idea the role that diabetes plays in my weight gain either or the fact that hypothyroidism makes it so my metabolism doesn't even work. They don't know how steep of a hill I have to constantly climb. 

They have no idea just how poisonous their words can be.

I've been doing a little better the past week, but I've begun to relapse again over the past couple of days. Usually, its because I didn't test my blood sugar before eating and I ended up having high sugar levels, or I had to wait too long for a meal. 

All I want is to be who I see myself to be on the inside again. I see a stranger in the mirror, not the real me.

 I guess I just hope others can see past my exterior better than I can. 

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