Within the past month, my eating disorder has finally gotten (somewhat) under control.

I still binge maybe once every week at the most, but they are definitely smaller and not nearly as frequent as before. I usually binge whenever I feel anxious, go a long time without eating regularly or have low blood sugar (I've learned that I can't eat when I'm low--it's just too risky. Even if I medicate to raise my sugar levels, it takes at least an hour for my mentality to get back to normal which makes me extremely vulnerable to bingeing). 

For a long time I wanted to lose the weight I gained immediately. After several failed attempts and months later, it finally hit me why I was struggling so badly. I needed time to assimilate back into regularity. I guess even more so, I needed time to heal.  In a sense, I was trying to run before I could even walk--let alone crawl.

A week ago, I decided to try cutting some calories out my daily diet using a calorie counter on WebMD. However, I decided that this time around, I would diet the right way. Last time I did a calorie deficit, I was living off of fake low-calorie foods and celery. Now, I'm working on moderating everyday foods and controlling my portion sizes at meal times.  I can't explain how good (and right) it felt to start eating healthily again. I've been feeling happier and like myself again. I even feel more in control and like I could finally handle the responsibility I was putting on my shoulders.

I guess I would normally consider myself a very religious or at least a very spiritual individual. A few months ago I don't think I could say that with as much assurance as I can today though. I believe that my eating disorder slowly corroded my ties to God. I unintentionally began to distance myself from Him. I'm not sure why this happened, but I do know that eating disorders take hold of you body, mind and soul. I stopped attending church events and even church itself at times. I avoided my scriptures. My prayers consisted of bitter tears and angry complaints.

As I began my path to recovery, I tried to put myself back on the path to God. By restoring that vital balance back into my life, I was better able to help myself and allow God to help me as well. Without Him, I'm not sure if I would have ever been able to heal to the extent I have today. He has sustained me.

During my worst moments I felt as if God had abandoned me; I wasn't worthy of his companionship, a lost cause. I just kept failing and moving in a vicious cycle. In retrospect, I now realize that He had been with me the entire time, but He couldn't stop me from experiencing the consequences of my agency (plus it didn't help that I wasn't exactly "welcoming" either at times). I guess my experience supports the idea that you need to be spiritually strong (no matter what religion or beliefs you may be affiliated with) before you can be successful in any other aspect of your life.

Today I learned this lesson again.

I was flipping through the channels on my T.V. and I ended up on MTV. Normally I would avoid or skip over channel 55, but today I stopped just for a moment and ended up watching a marathon of "Awkward.". I'm not going to lie, I loved the show. It totally captured high school life and it was BEYOND funny (there was even a girl struggling with her weight...I teared up for a second during one scene..). However, it definitely was not a "clean" or "G" rated show. Initially I just ignored the swearing and sex references. Then the "F" word was said more than once, nicknames consisted of the "B" word and the "H" word was used pretty frequently. Plus, the entire show was about teenagers having sex and making out (I haven't ever kissed a boy, so I couldn't help but be curious...but a lot of the conceptsd in the show did go against my personal beliefs...). I'm sad to say that despite all of this, I ended up watching the entire marathon and I enjoyed it...more than I should have. I knew it was wrong as far as my standards went (curse my conscience), but I didn't really care (and I'm not totally sure if I do yet...I'm feeling a little guilty for my indifference). For the entire day, I felt nasty (even while I was watching the show). I could feel myself slowly being dragged away from that which had been supporting me for so long.

(Going back to the whole "spiritual balance" subject a couple paragraphs back) I definitely did not help myself spiritually today, I was weak and as a result I struggled with my eating habits. I ended up bingeing around dinner time and now I just feel gross (after going off bingeing for a while, I've been able to realize just how nasty I used to feel all of the time). Despite the negativity that went along with today, I learned a valuable lesson.  I do need to stay spiritually strong to be physically healthy. I've been getting a lot more heavenly help than I realized before and today I cut myself off of that help, exposing my weaknesses--which ultimately resulted in a binge.

I'm sure that many binge eaters have recovered without even thinking of their spirituality, but I guess I rely on the spirit to support me whenever I face extreme challenges. It's intrinsic to who I am.

I know tomorrow will be a better day, as long as I do all that I can to ensure it will be.

My motto.

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