Who I Am

I seriously haven't binged since September of 2013.
For as far as I've come with my eating disorder, I still have hundreds of miles to go.
I think one of the biggest trials I have yet to overcome in this life is my cripplingly low self-esteem.

Tonight my roommate and I were watching "Les Miserables" and commenting on the actors. I mentioned that I thought Amanda Seyfried was beautiful and that I would give anything to look like her. After a moment, my roommate--still looking at the television screen, said, "I would much rather be myself than her."

Her words, although not surprising (trust me, this girl has the most confidence I have ever seen in an individual), silenced me. Being someone who has never felt beautiful or comfortable in my own skin, I could never imagine myself saying what she did so assuredly. My mind started to wander as I tried to imagine how an individual could gain that much love for her appearance. Was her simple statement the result of childhood experiences, parental guidance, or an innate feature within herself? How could I grow to say the same thing one day also?

As the movie continued, I again found myself commenting on the features of the actors and actresses--particularly their noses. (Okay, so let me step back a second here. I have this strange obsession with noses. They are seriously the first thing I look at when I'm examining a person...is that weird?) My roommate said that she thought it was funny that I focus so much on such a seemingly insignificant feature. After thinking for a moment, I stated that I had always hated mine and because of that I always was jealous of people who had my version the "ideal" nose. She replied, "I'm just grateful that mine works."

Once again, her words silenced me.

I looked out the window of our apartment to see couples holding hands and walking home from dates. I became jealous and mad that I wasn't in their position because of, well what I believed to be, my body. I turned back to the movie and we (my roommate and I) talked about how romantic it would be to fall in love at first site. However, as we spoke, I realized that no one would ever feel that way about me. I'm average in every single way, I'm chubby, I have small boobs, my nose is huge, my teeth are yellow, I have acne, and I'm shy.

As I continued with my self-defeating mental commentary, my roommate's words returned to my thoughts. Shouldn't I just be grateful that I have a healthy, working body? Why can't I appreciate the progress that my body has made since three years ago? I may be chubby, but my battle with my body has been uphill and it has taken every ounce of my strength to end up where I am now--all 160 lbs. of me.

I'll never naturally be 5'7" and 120 lbs, so why do I constantly hate myself for not being the impossible?

I said once before that I need to learn to love and accept myself in the present, as well as eternally. Well, I know now that things are always easier said than done.

I've been thinking about my roommate's words all night, and I've decided that although I wish I could look differently, I would never give up the person I have become in order to fit society's standards.

Although I may not like how I look, I do like who I am.


  1. I think you've got it right in the last paragraph. Loving yourself means focusing more on who you are than what you look like. If you haven't seen it before, there's a really fantastic website called beautyredefined.net that has a ton of good stuff about that.

    Also, if it makes you feel any better, love at first sight doesn't really sound romantic at all. If he "falls in love" with you just by looking at you, he's only falling in love with what you look like, he's "falling in love" with an object, your body, not who you really are. That's not love, that's lust.

    Loving yourself isn't doing some sort of good/bad analysis about yourself and deciding you come out on top. It's not being puffed up. Loving yourself is just like loving anyone else - you know they're not perfect, and there's things you might not like, but that doesn't get in the way of valuing, appreciating and loving them.

    1. I couldn't have said it better, Kendra :)