Hate

Today I saw my weight for the first time in months on accident at a doctor's appointment and it crushed me. Honestly, I thought I was past calling myself "ugly" and "fat", isn't it interesting how a number can dissolve all you believed yourself to be?

I found my school photo from Junior year, I almost didn't recognize myself. I tried to find sadness and insecurities in her eyes, but there were none. Little did she know at the time that her life would be turned upside down in only a matter of months. I'm jealous of her ignorance, and for that I hate her. She caused this whole mess. Her stupid obsession of becoming who she thought she was meant to be ruined who she already was. Sure, it felt great feeling comfortable in her own skin for once in her life; it was best life she had ever experienced. The longer she dieted, the stronger her will became. Her life rotated around looking good, and having other people agree. However, she did lose sight of what really mattered in life; she deluded herself with thoughts of self-righteousness and confidence. She wasn't me.

I like who I am as a person now, but I do wish I could look different.
As much as I hate her, I want to be her again.