Society

Lately I've been wondering if women diet for themselves, or for society. When I think back three years ago to when I was 130 lbs. and eating like a mouse, I thought that I was losing weight to become who I always thought I was meant to be. In reality all I wanted was to belong, and to feel like I truly belonged in the world. When that lifestyle collapsed in on me, I felt like society didn't want me anymore.

Girls are raised to see themselves as nothing but imperfection.

After telling myself for so long that I wasn't worth a dime, I finally want to find value in myself through someone else. I understand that this is incredibly immature of me to say, but I don't think I can love myself completely until I know I'm capable of being loved.

Fat

This was a good reminder to me.
I am not fat, I am free.

Life is good.

I've known my friend Sharlene since ninth grade, but we didn't become close friends until high school. We did, however share a Spanish 2 class in middle school.

Let me share with you a journal entry she shared with me:

"The other funny thing was the next day in Spanish class. We were doing baloncesto, which is this little quiz thing with basketball. It was my friend, Alyson Ludlow's turn. She was up to the board and her question was "Cual es once por once?" (11 x 11). She wrote una milla which means a mile. When everyone started laughing she erased it. Then she wrote 66 because she thought that "once" was 18, but that still doesn't make sense because 18 x 18 DOES NOT equal 66! So then she put 64, thinking it was 8. Then she finally realized that "once" meant 11 so she she started to multiply them! I thought this was funny because she didn't know her simple times tables. To make things better, she came up with 112 instead of 121. But she eventually got it. The funny part was that her opponent never got it even though she took forever. Now I make fun of her saying that 11 x 11= one mile."

Let me just clarify that I hate math and I hated my Spanish teacher so I didn't really study. Don't judge, conjugations and times tables are hard...especially in a different language!

Ninth grade was the year before I lost control of myself. I was confident...even when I looked like an idiot!

I'm glad that I'm able to look back and remember who I was pre-eating disorder; I think I'm finally coming back, but this time new and improved. 

Disclaimer: Sharlene isn't nearly as bratty as she was in ninth grade :)

Hate

Today I saw my weight for the first time in months on accident at a doctor's appointment and it crushed me. Honestly, I thought I was past calling myself "ugly" and "fat", isn't it interesting how a number can dissolve all you believed yourself to be?

I found my school photo from Junior year, I almost didn't recognize myself. I tried to find sadness and insecurities in her eyes, but there were none. Little did she know at the time that her life would be turned upside down in only a matter of months. I'm jealous of her ignorance, and for that I hate her. She caused this whole mess. Her stupid obsession of becoming who she thought she was meant to be ruined who she already was. Sure, it felt great feeling comfortable in her own skin for once in her life; it was best life she had ever experienced. The longer she dieted, the stronger her will became. Her life rotated around looking good, and having other people agree. However, she did lose sight of what really mattered in life; she deluded herself with thoughts of self-righteousness and confidence. She wasn't me.

I like who I am as a person now, but I do wish I could look different.
As much as I hate her, I want to be her again.