Progress Report.

I've been pretty vague lately on how my disorder control has been going. I figure that it'd be best if I just spilled the beans and made a promise to be completely honest with myself again. 

For June and July of this year, I was clean. No binges. No purges. August went well up until the second week of the month when I decided that I had enough control to diet again because I hadn't lost any weight yet (little did I know that my metabolism was practically frozen thanks to my later diagnosis of hypothyroidism). After a two weeks, I still didn't lose any weight and I became depressed again about my body. I began to binge, but not purge, again and that was fairly consistent until the last week of September. I visited the F.U.N. clinic downtown for the first time in way too long. They helped me get back on my knees rather than my feet, but it was a start in the right direction again. 

I want to go back a little bit and talk about my relapse. I guess it's a better way for me to understand myself while giving others an insight into my world.

Sunday dinners became one of the hardest things for me to handle. There were so many foods and desserts available--they became to hard to resist. My family had a hard time putting the food away after we were served, so I picked at everything throughout the night. My mom tries to hide things she makes, but I always find them; probably because I know something was made by judging what dishes end up in our sink and also because my mom isn't that great when it comes to hiding food. 

Talking to my Mom has started to become harder again. I feel like she gets mad when I ask her to move or throw away certain foods. I constantly feel like a disappointment to not only my family, but to myself as well. I don't really eat so much due to depression anymore, now it's a matter of will power. Which I lack.... big time. 

One of my new favorite binges consists of Special K berry cereal and milk chocolate chips. I still also have a hard time with anything sugary or ice-creamy. I don't binge after school anymore or in the morning, or even at lunch. I have the hardest time with the hour before dinner is ready and not being able to leave the kitchen for long enough after I eat my dinner. I actually binged tonight.

I was doing so well today up until I came home from a birthday party. My family had pizza for dinner with ice-cream and cake for dessert. I did fairly well, I probably at one scoop to many of ice-cream, but my Dad put it away for me so I wouldn't have to look at it anymore. I went to the party, I was full the whole time and didn't snack there. I came home and was full, but my biggest mistake was going straight into the kitchen and staying in there when my mom went downstairs to work on the computer. The whole thing is just embarrassing. 

I've actually been doing really great for the past week with my eating. General Conference really boosted my spirits back up again and I felt hope for my future. I fell apart again on Wednesday though. And Thursday. And Friday. And today. I can't express how upset I am right now. It's all my fault. I just can't understand what my problem is lately.

I feel like I've been able to handle and overcome every thing that has been thrown my way in life, but this. Why?

Why am I not as strong as I was a few months ago? Why can't I just stop? Why do I let this happen when I know its wrong? Why is this so hard for others to understand?




...I wish I could answer my own questions.

Dress-Sized.

I've noticed more so lately than I have ever before (probably because I'm not a size 4 anymore) how obsessed all girls are with their body sizes. No label seems hurt as much as a dress size. You could pretty much call a girl anything you want, except for a size larger than a 6.

I guess this first came to my realization last month during dress fittings for A Capella at school. It was ridiculous to watch and even worse to listen to what girls were saying about their bodies. It was seriously like a competition to see who was the smallest, who looked the best, or who lost the most weight in the last year. I understand that I was once that way too, and i'll admit that I still am at times. There is nothing that I want more than to be fit again, but there were some girls that forced themselves into sizes smaller than they were just so they could feel better about themselves. 

Having an eating disorder has really caused me to step back and look at the way that others view their bodies because I always have to deal with my own body insecurities that I've brought upon myself. To keep my thoughts brief, that was one of the worst days of school so far this year. It was just another reminder to me that I wasn't the cute petite girl that I was last year, and that others could see me for I was now, they noticed my body change just as much as I have. I had a friend (who I think was trying to be kind) ask me what size I was. I told her what size I thought I would be, and (embarrassed for me) she started to say how I  couldn't be that big and people that size are huge. Trust me, that felt like rubbing salt in a very fresh wound. She also happened to be a size "0" herself, so I don't think that she realizes just how hurtful comments like that are to someone of my size because she hasn't had an ounce of fat on her body in her life. 

Me and my closest friends at one of our high school
football games this summer.

It seems to be that those who have never had weight issues tend to be the most ignorant as far as body image goes. They don't mean to be hurtful, but they haven't ever felt the insecurities and depression that comes with excessive weight gain. I think they just say things without thinking or they try to help and end up making the situation worse.

I understand that everyone has things that they want to change about themselves, but weight is something you can never fully understand unless you have too much of it. Unless you feel the fat jiggle and reverberate as you move. Unless you experience not being able fit into any of your clothes and then having to give a majority of them away. Unless you experience the looks people give you.

 It's a terrible thing to have your body be your worst enemy.

The thing that hurt me the most about the dress fittings was the fact that so many of the girls had no idea what I personally have had to go through over the past few months. I'm not naturally the size that I am. It's because I let food take over my life and become my anti-depressant. They have no idea the role that diabetes plays in my weight gain either or the fact that hypothyroidism makes it so my metabolism doesn't even work. They don't know how steep of a hill I have to constantly climb. 

They have no idea just how poisonous their words can be.

I've been doing a little better the past week, but I've begun to relapse again over the past couple of days. Usually, its because I didn't test my blood sugar before eating and I ended up having high sugar levels, or I had to wait too long for a meal. 

All I want is to be who I see myself to be on the inside again. I see a stranger in the mirror, not the real me.

 I guess I just hope others can see past my exterior better than I can.